gahh

im officially depressed.

i feel like every time i dust myself off and jump back on the right path something is already there to push me away from it. i cant seem to shake it. i get that life is tough. i get that things dont work out to plan. but seriously. havent i already gone through enough of these trials and tough times. im seriously about ready to say fuck it all. at least when i was up to no good not much seemed to ever bother me.

i'm stuck where i am. i hate it. i hate having to stay inside my stupid home and have to see my mom and her boyfriend every day. its frustrating. i dont know how much longer i can take of all the things i have to complain about. i feel that i should be pointing the finger at me. but i did that. and i've been changing my ways. but im still stuck where im at and im honestly beginning to think if its at all worth it.

Why? why? why?

why do i secretly feel guilty when im off getting high. I dont understand God's point. why did you do this dude? why couldn't you just make us all and have everyone live in heaven all happily ever after. why did you have to let us feel down? why cant we just be happy all the time. so there was no need for any sort of self medication.

Im seriously over all this shit. fml.

=[+]=

God is good.

I've been doing great lately. yes i have slipped up a few times in terms of my health agreement but I believe i can reach new heights and accomplish new things as long as i keep my head up and continue to learn new things.

I got a revelation yesterday that asking for what you want is one thing. but actually seeing it is different. I strongly believe that if you close your eyes and see what it is you want / need it will be yours. I have made a list of things in my journal of things that i should visualize in the next while in order to get in the habit of seeing the things that i want.

I realized that job hunting is pointless if all you want is a job. you have to know what it is you want. you have to visualize it coming to you. and when it does get to you you need to take hold of the opportunity.

My dream job right now is to work as a guitar manufacturer, cutting, shaping, sanding, staining, building guitars. transforming a few pieces of wood and metal into an instrument of praise. so part of what i have been visualizing is that. I can see myself doing that. I can see that happening soon. and im so excited. I can hear the music playing in the background and i can feel the smile on my face. I can smell the freshly cut wood, and hear the machines running.

I have other things on my list but i think those are more for me. I challenge you to make a list of your own. to feel and see what it is you want. see what makes you happy, and it will come to you.


Thank you Lord for continuing your work in my life. I praise your name. I know i fall short, and you have the patience to wait for me to get back up and try again. Thank you for the sacrifice of Jesus so that i can simply shake out my past indiscretions and move on with my God chasing life.

Feelin Groovy

I had a great day today. Got to hang out with a buddy of mine, we went out to see Avatar, which btw is a great movie and i definitely recommend it. The quality that i loved about the movie so much was the emphasis on the connection between all living things on their world. much like ours.

We got to talking about much better life is with God in our lives, as we went through many stages in life together, from youth group Christian days to pot head drinkin days back to praisin God days. It was awesome to talk about the differences in life that exist without pot. One of the main things that i emphasized was that my music has definitely been coming together a lot better. I always used to think that having a fresh buzz would make me a better musician... where it actually had the opposite effect and i was just happier playing worse music. haha.

So after i hung out with this dude for a while i got to catch up with a great friend of mine from back in the hockey days. our families were, and will continue to be very close. so much love. and it was just great to reconnect with him. Im so proud of him. he's been doing so well in life, is driving a BMW m3 at 22 years old (his) and is doing really well in life. so good job buds. Got to see his family a bit and talked about how much things have changed since the accident and how God helped me through that most definately.

So here I am. midnight. buzzed off of the coffee i just got, and continue to sip on. and i have to wake up at like 8 oclock to talk to a job opportunity working in a cosmetics warehouse, which im actually really excited about so hopefully that works out well.



Generosity. Wow. I'm so blessed to have such generous friends. i would like to think that im a pretty sharing person but its so amazing to run into people that have such amazing hearts of generosity. Im so encouraged to remember that material things are only material, its the connections and the times that we spend with one another that are profound and last our lifetime.

God please bless my friends. Bless them with more then enough, bless them with what they need and overfill their cups so that they may fill others up.

Amen? amen.

o. i smoked 1 cigarette today. my throat hurts. i wont do it again. im still considering myself a non-smoker, i just caved. its one thing to just stay inside when people go out for a smoke. but today i was waiting outside with my smoker buddy and after that happened a couple times i just fell into the trap. but after that i made sure to stay strong. ok. peace.

hmmm

Obviously we are all going through different things in our lives, whether it be a season of fulfillment or of depression or anger, or (like me) being unsatisfied financially. A friend of mine beat me to the getting on the right path with God thing and he's been doing really well with that. The problem that he's encountering now is that he's stressed out all the time.

Balance.

I think one of the things that i've totally forgotten about in the last little while is balance. having a lifestyle that works and doesnt get me stressed is such a huge thing. Even when i have been working in the last few years my life has been a party. Having as much fun as i can all of the time and not thinking about anything else has left me with a few good friends and a lot of not-so-good ones. Lately i've been diving into the word and spending time with God which has been really good and thankfully I have my guitar that i can pick up and let some stuff go. but i've been starting to get a bit bummed out with my life because there are so many pieces missing that i need to work on.

God
Work
Fun

there is probably a few more things that should be on this "what you need to have in your life to be happy" list but i think you get the idea. if your feeling the same way as me. or maybe your just stressed out lately you need to evaluate what your doing with your life. going out for a smoke, or drinking, or smoking weed, thats not fun. that doesnt count. Because all your doing is temporarily relieving some of your symptoms... but in the end, you just stress your self out more because you know you shouldnt be doing what your doing.

Im a bit scattered right now. i hope that made sense. i know most of these blogs have been a bit journally the last while and im sorry for that. but hey, this is my journal. haha.

peace n love people/

Abraham

"father Abraham, had many sons,
many sons had father Abraham,
I and one of them,
and so are you,
so lets all praise the Lord"

Haha. thats the song that i woke up with in my head today. had a dream. a good dream. i read my bible before i went to bed and demanded that all the attacks i was having at night would cease. had a dream where i was like in the NHL it was awesome.

So obviously after reading a sista's blog yesterday about "whats sitting on top of your bible" I was stoked to dive into the word and read all about Abraham which is what i did this morning. instead of first logging online and doing all this distraction type stuff.

I think its so awesome that this man had such faith. He was willing to kill his own son to please God, thankfully it was all a test and he was blessed with a ram to offer instead of his son, but anyways, God rewarded him for his faithfulness with the blessing of a large family, and when he had no children at the age of 79 or somewhere close to that I would say thats a pretty huge deal.

God bless me with the strength to do your will. thank you for all of the blessings that you have givin me already and thank you for the blessings which i have not yet found.

So today. i take my dog for a walk to Tom Lee Music because i need some strings and picks (ended up buying a whistle thing too) and guess what?!?!! guitar strings on massive blowout. .79 cents a pack!! i bought like 21 packs. electric and acoustic. i plugged them into the electric and they sound.... like a guitar! so sweet! im so thankful. now i must eat. adios.

*pop*

Obviously if you've taken the time to skim through some of my blogs i've had a lot of things on my mind lately that i just cant really seem to shake. i already feel better about the choices that i've been making in terms of working out and not smoking or drinking.

I really do feel much better about going about my day. it has been getting easier and easier to not smoke even though it is only now the end of day 4. I've been taking more time in my day to spend time with God, whether it be when i pick up my guitar or start to write in my notebook, and of course when i open up Gods Word.

Im still hurtin to tell you the truth. i know none of my imaginary readers can really do anything about that but its honest. I've been having really vivid dreams. to be honest cocaine has been showing up in my dreams, its starting to get in my head.

well lets dive into that shall we....

Tasted the shit. spat it out. as a musician its been hard for me to understand that almost all of the artists out there making music today are on drugs. its a tough thing to cope with for me to tell you the truth, that most of the best rock and roll songs are about drugs. and certainly the best guitar players out there (except for the Jesus rock dudes) are influenced by drugs. I dont know if thats because the drugs take away any hesitation in your music or if its that the only way you can have enough time to get really good at an instrument is when your livin on the black market.

I love music. i dont really know anyone that would argue otherwise. I love playing my guitar, and any other instruments that i've been playing lately, (drums, blues harp, kazoo, whistle thingy)I cant sing, although i do sometimes, to listeners regrets haha. But im not willing to make the trade. Yes it is my dream to be up on stage playing music for people. But.... what is Gods dream for me? Go into the World and tell the people of the good news. God has given me a pretty sweet gift. the gift of communication. and because of all of the things that i have been through in my life it makes me able to communicate with a very large group of people about very personal things.

I've been in a coma and dont have full use of my right hand (as of yet)I've been hopelessly addicted to drugs and alcohol. I've run away from God. I play music, my life has had its ups and downs. I would like to consider myself a pretty passionate person, especially when talking about God. and when i am able to just let God speak through me i amaze even myself.

I've talked to my friends about God before, even did a mini sermon on the skytrain once.. I think whats really hard though is living the life. you see, all these people i've talked to God about i've later gotten high and drunk with, and although i included that i wasnt a good example of what i should be doing.... shit iono.

It's obviously easier to talk about God when your at a Church. and i dont really go to church. i know i need to. but i have no money, no job, no car i live at home. its sad. i've been half heartedly looking for work for the last little while but 24 hour party people would rather party. Thankfully i've been able to stop that trend.

im ebarrassed at where my life has come. when i was in elementary school i knew i would never touch cigarettes or alcohol, i couldnt wait to grow up and be in the nhl or be a rockstar or something. and then something happened. i started to think that all of the things we werent supposed to do were cool. cool sucks.

friends, if i still have you. Dont let evil take ahold of your life. gray area.... is just another shade of black. and the further you take it the harder it is (in your mind) to come back. i sit here looking at my computer screen, reminising on life, holding my head down low, with a pain in the back of my throat. and a pain in my back from not working.

ok ok i'll stop complaining. Life is good. God is great, and im so thankful that he has brought me past all those things. Its up to me now. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. without that. omgoodness. Thank you.

well. good night.

ok ok ok

you want a rock and roll story? ok.

5 dudes. 1 car. bored out of our minds. lots of cash. haha.

so there we were. driving around the mean streets of Surrey B.C. mostly smokin ganja and about.... 4 or so beers each in by this point (except the driver *legit*) its probably 6 oclock on a friday night of a long weekend. there wasnt any parties happening that we could crash in on. not that would be a problem because at this point in our lives the alcohol kept us in full swagga. What could we do? There were 3 of us who had just got a wad of cash each and we were eager to blow it. so we drove around for a while. made our way to the drive in theater in Aldergrove to see if there was anything decent playing. there was. but it turned out that paying i think 60 bucks to see a movie where we werent all that comfortable and with a bunk stereo seemed like a waste of cash.

what should we do boys? iono. iono. iono. iono. wanna keep drivin? see how far we can get? wanna hit up Calgary? YEAH! haha. alright lets do it. East driver. we stocked up on beer and weed, put our money together and started driving. a couple of wrong turns ended up taking us the northern route. which was actually much more fun then driving on roads that we had already sceen. To this day I dont think any of us know what route that was but From Vancouver to Calgary we ended up taking 3 faeries so if that means anything to you. sweet.

we drove all night, and most of the next day. Met up with a mini-van of females and stopped to drink a few beers and smoke a few with them. at this point we've been awake for..... well a long time. but we had been drinking for about 20 hours straight.

Drivin drivin drivin drivin. you know what we need guys? a Canucks flag so when we hit cow town people will know whats up. But were about 10 minutes away from crossin the Alberta border into enemy land where will we ever find a 'nucks flag.

FLAG!! epic e-brake stop, ninja-like skills used to snatch flag. thanks dude.

alright we're set.

24 solid hours of drinking and sitting in a car will do wonders for your personal smell and fresh as a crack-head we rolled into Calgary to see what this place was all about. we had about 40 roaches in the car ready to roll but we needed more ganja so we set out on the journey around town to hit that up while our driver caught some sleep.

Everyone is afraid of us. these kids are runnin around d/t Calgary asking any cool looking person for weed. apparently its not as "accepted" as in our lovely town. So we got more beer.

We stayed in this new place for about 2 hours. and got bored. we couldn't find any new friends. and all of the clubs and bars that we could find were for the nice shoes and dress shirt crowd. eff it.

on our way home. and with about 28 or so hours of beer in our bodies and.... 1 meal.... (lots of candy and munchies tho)we decided to take on the endeavor of going home.

Dude. Calgary is confusing. How do we get out of here?

ask for directions.

who's gunna do it? "me" says I. i suppose.

go into gas station. come out. get in car.

black out.

6 days later i wake up from a coma with a pretty broken body. multiple skull face and jaw fractures, a puntured lung, most of my ribs broken, a broken hip and internal injuries. completely botched right hand and on some crazy drugs that made me see yellow writing falling down the hospital walls. fun.

moral of the story.

dont ask for directions.