gahh

im officially depressed.

i feel like every time i dust myself off and jump back on the right path something is already there to push me away from it. i cant seem to shake it. i get that life is tough. i get that things dont work out to plan. but seriously. havent i already gone through enough of these trials and tough times. im seriously about ready to say fuck it all. at least when i was up to no good not much seemed to ever bother me.

i'm stuck where i am. i hate it. i hate having to stay inside my stupid home and have to see my mom and her boyfriend every day. its frustrating. i dont know how much longer i can take of all the things i have to complain about. i feel that i should be pointing the finger at me. but i did that. and i've been changing my ways. but im still stuck where im at and im honestly beginning to think if its at all worth it.

Why? why? why?

why do i secretly feel guilty when im off getting high. I dont understand God's point. why did you do this dude? why couldn't you just make us all and have everyone live in heaven all happily ever after. why did you have to let us feel down? why cant we just be happy all the time. so there was no need for any sort of self medication.

Im seriously over all this shit. fml.

=[+]=

God is good.

I've been doing great lately. yes i have slipped up a few times in terms of my health agreement but I believe i can reach new heights and accomplish new things as long as i keep my head up and continue to learn new things.

I got a revelation yesterday that asking for what you want is one thing. but actually seeing it is different. I strongly believe that if you close your eyes and see what it is you want / need it will be yours. I have made a list of things in my journal of things that i should visualize in the next while in order to get in the habit of seeing the things that i want.

I realized that job hunting is pointless if all you want is a job. you have to know what it is you want. you have to visualize it coming to you. and when it does get to you you need to take hold of the opportunity.

My dream job right now is to work as a guitar manufacturer, cutting, shaping, sanding, staining, building guitars. transforming a few pieces of wood and metal into an instrument of praise. so part of what i have been visualizing is that. I can see myself doing that. I can see that happening soon. and im so excited. I can hear the music playing in the background and i can feel the smile on my face. I can smell the freshly cut wood, and hear the machines running.

I have other things on my list but i think those are more for me. I challenge you to make a list of your own. to feel and see what it is you want. see what makes you happy, and it will come to you.


Thank you Lord for continuing your work in my life. I praise your name. I know i fall short, and you have the patience to wait for me to get back up and try again. Thank you for the sacrifice of Jesus so that i can simply shake out my past indiscretions and move on with my God chasing life.

Feelin Groovy

I had a great day today. Got to hang out with a buddy of mine, we went out to see Avatar, which btw is a great movie and i definitely recommend it. The quality that i loved about the movie so much was the emphasis on the connection between all living things on their world. much like ours.

We got to talking about much better life is with God in our lives, as we went through many stages in life together, from youth group Christian days to pot head drinkin days back to praisin God days. It was awesome to talk about the differences in life that exist without pot. One of the main things that i emphasized was that my music has definitely been coming together a lot better. I always used to think that having a fresh buzz would make me a better musician... where it actually had the opposite effect and i was just happier playing worse music. haha.

So after i hung out with this dude for a while i got to catch up with a great friend of mine from back in the hockey days. our families were, and will continue to be very close. so much love. and it was just great to reconnect with him. Im so proud of him. he's been doing so well in life, is driving a BMW m3 at 22 years old (his) and is doing really well in life. so good job buds. Got to see his family a bit and talked about how much things have changed since the accident and how God helped me through that most definately.

So here I am. midnight. buzzed off of the coffee i just got, and continue to sip on. and i have to wake up at like 8 oclock to talk to a job opportunity working in a cosmetics warehouse, which im actually really excited about so hopefully that works out well.



Generosity. Wow. I'm so blessed to have such generous friends. i would like to think that im a pretty sharing person but its so amazing to run into people that have such amazing hearts of generosity. Im so encouraged to remember that material things are only material, its the connections and the times that we spend with one another that are profound and last our lifetime.

God please bless my friends. Bless them with more then enough, bless them with what they need and overfill their cups so that they may fill others up.

Amen? amen.

o. i smoked 1 cigarette today. my throat hurts. i wont do it again. im still considering myself a non-smoker, i just caved. its one thing to just stay inside when people go out for a smoke. but today i was waiting outside with my smoker buddy and after that happened a couple times i just fell into the trap. but after that i made sure to stay strong. ok. peace.

hmmm

Obviously we are all going through different things in our lives, whether it be a season of fulfillment or of depression or anger, or (like me) being unsatisfied financially. A friend of mine beat me to the getting on the right path with God thing and he's been doing really well with that. The problem that he's encountering now is that he's stressed out all the time.

Balance.

I think one of the things that i've totally forgotten about in the last little while is balance. having a lifestyle that works and doesnt get me stressed is such a huge thing. Even when i have been working in the last few years my life has been a party. Having as much fun as i can all of the time and not thinking about anything else has left me with a few good friends and a lot of not-so-good ones. Lately i've been diving into the word and spending time with God which has been really good and thankfully I have my guitar that i can pick up and let some stuff go. but i've been starting to get a bit bummed out with my life because there are so many pieces missing that i need to work on.

God
Work
Fun

there is probably a few more things that should be on this "what you need to have in your life to be happy" list but i think you get the idea. if your feeling the same way as me. or maybe your just stressed out lately you need to evaluate what your doing with your life. going out for a smoke, or drinking, or smoking weed, thats not fun. that doesnt count. Because all your doing is temporarily relieving some of your symptoms... but in the end, you just stress your self out more because you know you shouldnt be doing what your doing.

Im a bit scattered right now. i hope that made sense. i know most of these blogs have been a bit journally the last while and im sorry for that. but hey, this is my journal. haha.

peace n love people/

Abraham

"father Abraham, had many sons,
many sons had father Abraham,
I and one of them,
and so are you,
so lets all praise the Lord"

Haha. thats the song that i woke up with in my head today. had a dream. a good dream. i read my bible before i went to bed and demanded that all the attacks i was having at night would cease. had a dream where i was like in the NHL it was awesome.

So obviously after reading a sista's blog yesterday about "whats sitting on top of your bible" I was stoked to dive into the word and read all about Abraham which is what i did this morning. instead of first logging online and doing all this distraction type stuff.

I think its so awesome that this man had such faith. He was willing to kill his own son to please God, thankfully it was all a test and he was blessed with a ram to offer instead of his son, but anyways, God rewarded him for his faithfulness with the blessing of a large family, and when he had no children at the age of 79 or somewhere close to that I would say thats a pretty huge deal.

God bless me with the strength to do your will. thank you for all of the blessings that you have givin me already and thank you for the blessings which i have not yet found.

So today. i take my dog for a walk to Tom Lee Music because i need some strings and picks (ended up buying a whistle thing too) and guess what?!?!! guitar strings on massive blowout. .79 cents a pack!! i bought like 21 packs. electric and acoustic. i plugged them into the electric and they sound.... like a guitar! so sweet! im so thankful. now i must eat. adios.

*pop*

Obviously if you've taken the time to skim through some of my blogs i've had a lot of things on my mind lately that i just cant really seem to shake. i already feel better about the choices that i've been making in terms of working out and not smoking or drinking.

I really do feel much better about going about my day. it has been getting easier and easier to not smoke even though it is only now the end of day 4. I've been taking more time in my day to spend time with God, whether it be when i pick up my guitar or start to write in my notebook, and of course when i open up Gods Word.

Im still hurtin to tell you the truth. i know none of my imaginary readers can really do anything about that but its honest. I've been having really vivid dreams. to be honest cocaine has been showing up in my dreams, its starting to get in my head.

well lets dive into that shall we....

Tasted the shit. spat it out. as a musician its been hard for me to understand that almost all of the artists out there making music today are on drugs. its a tough thing to cope with for me to tell you the truth, that most of the best rock and roll songs are about drugs. and certainly the best guitar players out there (except for the Jesus rock dudes) are influenced by drugs. I dont know if thats because the drugs take away any hesitation in your music or if its that the only way you can have enough time to get really good at an instrument is when your livin on the black market.

I love music. i dont really know anyone that would argue otherwise. I love playing my guitar, and any other instruments that i've been playing lately, (drums, blues harp, kazoo, whistle thingy)I cant sing, although i do sometimes, to listeners regrets haha. But im not willing to make the trade. Yes it is my dream to be up on stage playing music for people. But.... what is Gods dream for me? Go into the World and tell the people of the good news. God has given me a pretty sweet gift. the gift of communication. and because of all of the things that i have been through in my life it makes me able to communicate with a very large group of people about very personal things.

I've been in a coma and dont have full use of my right hand (as of yet)I've been hopelessly addicted to drugs and alcohol. I've run away from God. I play music, my life has had its ups and downs. I would like to consider myself a pretty passionate person, especially when talking about God. and when i am able to just let God speak through me i amaze even myself.

I've talked to my friends about God before, even did a mini sermon on the skytrain once.. I think whats really hard though is living the life. you see, all these people i've talked to God about i've later gotten high and drunk with, and although i included that i wasnt a good example of what i should be doing.... shit iono.

It's obviously easier to talk about God when your at a Church. and i dont really go to church. i know i need to. but i have no money, no job, no car i live at home. its sad. i've been half heartedly looking for work for the last little while but 24 hour party people would rather party. Thankfully i've been able to stop that trend.

im ebarrassed at where my life has come. when i was in elementary school i knew i would never touch cigarettes or alcohol, i couldnt wait to grow up and be in the nhl or be a rockstar or something. and then something happened. i started to think that all of the things we werent supposed to do were cool. cool sucks.

friends, if i still have you. Dont let evil take ahold of your life. gray area.... is just another shade of black. and the further you take it the harder it is (in your mind) to come back. i sit here looking at my computer screen, reminising on life, holding my head down low, with a pain in the back of my throat. and a pain in my back from not working.

ok ok i'll stop complaining. Life is good. God is great, and im so thankful that he has brought me past all those things. Its up to me now. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. without that. omgoodness. Thank you.

well. good night.

ok ok ok

you want a rock and roll story? ok.

5 dudes. 1 car. bored out of our minds. lots of cash. haha.

so there we were. driving around the mean streets of Surrey B.C. mostly smokin ganja and about.... 4 or so beers each in by this point (except the driver *legit*) its probably 6 oclock on a friday night of a long weekend. there wasnt any parties happening that we could crash in on. not that would be a problem because at this point in our lives the alcohol kept us in full swagga. What could we do? There were 3 of us who had just got a wad of cash each and we were eager to blow it. so we drove around for a while. made our way to the drive in theater in Aldergrove to see if there was anything decent playing. there was. but it turned out that paying i think 60 bucks to see a movie where we werent all that comfortable and with a bunk stereo seemed like a waste of cash.

what should we do boys? iono. iono. iono. iono. wanna keep drivin? see how far we can get? wanna hit up Calgary? YEAH! haha. alright lets do it. East driver. we stocked up on beer and weed, put our money together and started driving. a couple of wrong turns ended up taking us the northern route. which was actually much more fun then driving on roads that we had already sceen. To this day I dont think any of us know what route that was but From Vancouver to Calgary we ended up taking 3 faeries so if that means anything to you. sweet.

we drove all night, and most of the next day. Met up with a mini-van of females and stopped to drink a few beers and smoke a few with them. at this point we've been awake for..... well a long time. but we had been drinking for about 20 hours straight.

Drivin drivin drivin drivin. you know what we need guys? a Canucks flag so when we hit cow town people will know whats up. But were about 10 minutes away from crossin the Alberta border into enemy land where will we ever find a 'nucks flag.

FLAG!! epic e-brake stop, ninja-like skills used to snatch flag. thanks dude.

alright we're set.

24 solid hours of drinking and sitting in a car will do wonders for your personal smell and fresh as a crack-head we rolled into Calgary to see what this place was all about. we had about 40 roaches in the car ready to roll but we needed more ganja so we set out on the journey around town to hit that up while our driver caught some sleep.

Everyone is afraid of us. these kids are runnin around d/t Calgary asking any cool looking person for weed. apparently its not as "accepted" as in our lovely town. So we got more beer.

We stayed in this new place for about 2 hours. and got bored. we couldn't find any new friends. and all of the clubs and bars that we could find were for the nice shoes and dress shirt crowd. eff it.

on our way home. and with about 28 or so hours of beer in our bodies and.... 1 meal.... (lots of candy and munchies tho)we decided to take on the endeavor of going home.

Dude. Calgary is confusing. How do we get out of here?

ask for directions.

who's gunna do it? "me" says I. i suppose.

go into gas station. come out. get in car.

black out.

6 days later i wake up from a coma with a pretty broken body. multiple skull face and jaw fractures, a puntured lung, most of my ribs broken, a broken hip and internal injuries. completely botched right hand and on some crazy drugs that made me see yellow writing falling down the hospital walls. fun.

moral of the story.

dont ask for directions.

updates

Alrighty. so i havent smoked a cigarette (or cigar) in 3 days now. Im getting over the urge to join the smokers outside and its definitely feeling good. i've been coughing up some pretty nasty shit tho. As far as the Weed goes. i havent smoked that in 3 days either, however I dont really know if i can count that as getting over it, because although yes i have quit I have not been faced with the temptation. and in my dream last night i got high. so shit. haha.

I went out job hunting today which i think went decently. To be honest its kinda hard for me to be putting time aside to work at money as opposed to working on guitar skills, but the time has come and seeing as I am not in a gigging band i really don't have an excuse to sit around with friends all day and call that progress.

I have too many things turned on right now. and I think i shall turn off the computer and tv in favour of the stove and my stereo so i can work out.

if this little blog entry was too diaryish for you you might want to check out the first couple of things i wrote on here which are a bit more insightful into my thoughts as opposed my life.

To my future Wife

I love you. :-) im sorry i got distracted on my way to you. I will see you soon. Always love God more then you Love me, I promise to do the same. I promise to keep you as safe as possible, even when God directs us to unsafe places, He will always be with us and the light of the Lord will make it impossible for darkness to get too close. What else? I hope you have an interest in art. I've kinda been working on like a million love songs and i would love our home to be filled with art, whether it be music, drawing, painting, dancing, you (the best one).

ok im done. thanks for that. haha

<.-*-.>

I want a good job, one I can be proud of, one that would let me be around good, honest people, and be in (for the most part) a positive, healthy environment. I want a vehicle. One that I can feel good about driving. One that I can pick up, and drive around, a beautiful model/actress-type girl, in style, and of course safety. I want a home for myself, one where a good area and space can come together so I can have the room for (at least) a studio room to hold my ever growing collection of guitars and various other musical equipment.

I love my current friends. I do. But i want new ones. haha. I want to meet up with a new group of people dedicated to being with God and making music that glorifies the heavens. and not afraid to mention.... Jesus.... dun dun dun..


Dear God,
Thank you for all of the blessings that you have given me in the past year. Thank you for the gift of life, thank you for having enough faith in me to bring me back from darkness. I pray that you continue to work your awesomeness into my life. The list above Lord are things that I am willing to work towards starting now. I pray you continue to challenge me to be better and more passionate. I pray that in the times of hardship you give me the strength to not turn away but to stand firm on the foundation that you have laid for me. Help me to be a seed that was planted in good soil. I pray you pluck me from the thorn bushes and place me in your garden.

Oh, and seeing as i got a home gym for Christmas (which i have been using) I pray God that you give me some holy spirit steroids to make me a strong confident man of you. yea!~

ME

^^

A new year has begun. 2009, although fun in the moment seemed to be something that could definitely be improved on, which i suppose is the whole premise behind making new years resolutions. This time of year seems to be a time where we can focus all of our energy into actually getting done things that we have been procrastinating on for the last year. The question then is, can you do it? Quitting smoking, getting healthier, finding a better career, being happier, going to church. All of these things are the goals that I am going to work on at the beginning of the year. It's already posing to be a challenge but I am determined to make my life better. Not for any other reason then to be satisfied with my own life. To be able to carry my own back and be able to have honest intentions in all that I do.

<^>

It seems as though it is most certainly true that the more you strive for greatness the more destruction and pain seep its way into our lives. Saying that you tried your best is nothing but a cleverly worded excuse. Nothing short of success is worth a sentences because all of the words that can be attributed to almost victory are either a reason for failure or will be used to make failure sound like victory, which, even if told by a great story teller will always end on a negative note. Unless of course victory is eventually won.

I have been through many stages of life and have learned that every portion of it must come to an end at some time or another. Some stages wither and die like collecting pokemon cards or tear-away-pants. These stages in life are dictated by the common interests of children and of course your own personal attention span, and are forgotten upon the next new interest.

As I have grown up I have invested more time, energy and passion into the things that I do, and who I do them with. Which ended up causing me to clutch onto something that originally I only wanted to inspect. It makes me wonder where Gollem would have ended up if he had given the ring to his friend, or what if he was able to rid of the ring and the power that it held. Where would his life ended up? What would his story have been without the one possession of his that surely ended up taking control of his entire life.

At the beginning of a brand new year (2010) it is my duty as a person to now be an example of positivity in the world. I strive to be happy and healthy. I strive to be generous and a good friend. I strive for the wisdom and courage to do what is right and honorable in the face of adversity and evil. It has alas come time for me to accept that I choose my own path and the position that I am in now is directly attributed to my day to day actions and my moment to moment thoughts.

There are a few things from the last seasons of life that are still important to me and will bring with me on my mission forward. If is the list of things that I carry with me on the opposite side that continues to grow day by day which I need to bid farewell to so I can continue my journey without being weighed down. The missions that need to be accepted in life may seem difficult but they bear good fruit. The missions however that I am drawn to are easy to accomplish and momentary in their satisfaction.

So the question then has come to me. What would I rather do? Choose half life and a life that seems from the outside to be a great option which will certainly destroy based on other examples of what momentary satisfaction brings into your life. Or will I choose a life of relationship with God, doing what is right, and being happy spiritually and healthy physically. I do understand that hard-times will come whichever path I choose. But, its hard to argue that the girls on the light-side are definitely better looking. J

The dilemna

I have officially logged out of facebook for a period of time. I feel i've been living my life for the stories and putting up with not so great situations so I can tell a "seems to be great" story. Basically I have been conflicted in my life the last little while, and i think that having the chance to write it all down for my imaginary fanbase might help me get it a bit understood.

Rock and Roll. Guitars, Drugs, Alcohol, Girls. The party lifestyle. I dont know how many of you live this life. It seems really fun from the outside. So fun in fact that I decided I wanted a taste of it. And then 3 years later, your broke and way too available for any sort of debotchery that might come your way. I have fun by killing myself. I know what it feels like to get high. I know what it feels like to get drunk. and I know that I hate cigarettes. There is a new band called "And so i watch you from afar" and they have a song called "dont waste your time doing things you hate". So in a last ditch effort to rid of the pain of all the fun Im having I thought that i would keep a blog to keep track of the progress.

I miss having a constant relationship to God. I miss my honest and loving friends. when i was fully dedicated to achieving excellence I could be all alone and feel excellent, take it as a time to reflect and be alone with God.

Rock and Roll would have you be alone at all times. even when in the middle of a bumpin party.

Over the next while just based on who I think I am there should be a lot to read about. Rock and Roll confessions, God talks, Love talks, mmmm love...., Guitars, general life, and anything else that my mind might be going through day by day.