*pop*

Obviously if you've taken the time to skim through some of my blogs i've had a lot of things on my mind lately that i just cant really seem to shake. i already feel better about the choices that i've been making in terms of working out and not smoking or drinking.

I really do feel much better about going about my day. it has been getting easier and easier to not smoke even though it is only now the end of day 4. I've been taking more time in my day to spend time with God, whether it be when i pick up my guitar or start to write in my notebook, and of course when i open up Gods Word.

Im still hurtin to tell you the truth. i know none of my imaginary readers can really do anything about that but its honest. I've been having really vivid dreams. to be honest cocaine has been showing up in my dreams, its starting to get in my head.

well lets dive into that shall we....

Tasted the shit. spat it out. as a musician its been hard for me to understand that almost all of the artists out there making music today are on drugs. its a tough thing to cope with for me to tell you the truth, that most of the best rock and roll songs are about drugs. and certainly the best guitar players out there (except for the Jesus rock dudes) are influenced by drugs. I dont know if thats because the drugs take away any hesitation in your music or if its that the only way you can have enough time to get really good at an instrument is when your livin on the black market.

I love music. i dont really know anyone that would argue otherwise. I love playing my guitar, and any other instruments that i've been playing lately, (drums, blues harp, kazoo, whistle thingy)I cant sing, although i do sometimes, to listeners regrets haha. But im not willing to make the trade. Yes it is my dream to be up on stage playing music for people. But.... what is Gods dream for me? Go into the World and tell the people of the good news. God has given me a pretty sweet gift. the gift of communication. and because of all of the things that i have been through in my life it makes me able to communicate with a very large group of people about very personal things.

I've been in a coma and dont have full use of my right hand (as of yet)I've been hopelessly addicted to drugs and alcohol. I've run away from God. I play music, my life has had its ups and downs. I would like to consider myself a pretty passionate person, especially when talking about God. and when i am able to just let God speak through me i amaze even myself.

I've talked to my friends about God before, even did a mini sermon on the skytrain once.. I think whats really hard though is living the life. you see, all these people i've talked to God about i've later gotten high and drunk with, and although i included that i wasnt a good example of what i should be doing.... shit iono.

It's obviously easier to talk about God when your at a Church. and i dont really go to church. i know i need to. but i have no money, no job, no car i live at home. its sad. i've been half heartedly looking for work for the last little while but 24 hour party people would rather party. Thankfully i've been able to stop that trend.

im ebarrassed at where my life has come. when i was in elementary school i knew i would never touch cigarettes or alcohol, i couldnt wait to grow up and be in the nhl or be a rockstar or something. and then something happened. i started to think that all of the things we werent supposed to do were cool. cool sucks.

friends, if i still have you. Dont let evil take ahold of your life. gray area.... is just another shade of black. and the further you take it the harder it is (in your mind) to come back. i sit here looking at my computer screen, reminising on life, holding my head down low, with a pain in the back of my throat. and a pain in my back from not working.

ok ok i'll stop complaining. Life is good. God is great, and im so thankful that he has brought me past all those things. Its up to me now. Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. without that. omgoodness. Thank you.

well. good night.